Recently I found myself in a predicament. I thought I had been sexxing a grown-ass man, wizened with age, delivering me regular gifts of phlegm and discounted pancakes on Tuesdays. WRONG. I did a double-take and whadday know, he was actually a small child of 20-some odd years. “A fuckboi,” in common parlance. Don’t make my MIZTAKE! <-especially great if this site were called Miz Takes, or Ms. Takes? Anyway, I’ve compiled a useful list to help you determine whether your Male Person can HANDLE YOU. (As Qween Nicki Minaj raps, “I’m just lookin’ for a man; fuck a B-O-Y.”) And GO:
MEN say I love you.
BOYS say I want you.
MEN wear button-down shirts.
BOYS wear graphic tees.
MEN have a mortgage and pay child support.
BOYS receive child support from other men who are hopefully their fathers but if not, you know, no judgment.
MEN accidentally crunch entire almonds underfoot.
BOYS get washed away at sea.
MEN can open a jar of pickles using only their giant lobster-claws.
BOYS never call you back just because they’re trapped in the sewer with their leg pinned under a large piece of metal.