A step-by-step guide to finding love in 1991

Old music videos are amazing; the more terrible, the better. Don’t ask why, but I recently watched the vid for Amy Grant’s 1991 bop “Every Heartbeat” AND IT DID NOT DISAPPOINT. In fact, despite being 25 years old, it was chock-full of love lessons for our modern times. Say sayonara to your singleness, my friends (and hello to alliteration? um anyway). Ready to find love in the early ’90s? Like hell you are!

1. Dress like you mean it.

A polka dot dress is good. Coordinating with a polka dot background, umby, AND dalmatian puppy is even better. Worrying about “being too matchy-matchy” is so 2016.

amy-grant-every-heartbeat

Can we talk about the blue tent Amy also wears? How many people are hiding inside? Like Puppy Surprise, a favorite childhood toy also from 1991 (COINCIDENCE?!), you never know: there could be three, or four, or fiiiiiive!

just no.

2. Go to work.

Having a female mechanic seems pretty progressive for 1991. Nicely done, Amy. I’ll let you think of your own terrible car/love metaphors while you enjoy this Harlequin romance novel cover video still:

love-mechanic-amy-grant

Looks like SOMEBODY’s heart needs a tune-up! (Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.)

3. Just kidding, go to the laundromat.

Together with the late-’90s editions of the American Eagle catalog, this video perpetuates the harmful myth that the laundromat is a magical place where you could have a meet-cute with a hunky intellectual:

hot-guy-reading-shyness

I know when *I* want to meet someone, I bury my nose in a book advertising the exact opposite (although my book of choice is called Fuck Off; I’m Reading).

4. Beware judgy saboteurs.

I’m not really sure what’s going on with this becloaked grandma. Is she supposed to be Russian? Jewish? Is this video racist/ageist? (Probably.) Whatever’s going on, she is NOT having their flirtation. Whatever–don’t let nosy onlookers stop YOU from popping your shirt off and starting a good-natured, sexually charged laundry tussle.

judgy-laundromat-grandma

5. Dance.

If I know anything about straight men, it’s that they love to dance. They dance every chance they get. (“Stop dancing,” I plead when my lovers break into a spontaneous soft-shoe in the produce aisle.) Little-known fact: we have THIS video to blame for the horrible Hallmark sentiment “Dance like no one’s watching except a deeply disapproving Jewish grandma and/or a bunch of other mechanics.”

mechanic-dance

laundry-dance
Love in the time of period panties.

That’s it–now just open your heart, twirl with a handful of gerbera daisies, and find your soulmate. <3

 

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