Recently I found myself in a predicament. I thought I had been sexxing a grown-ass man, wizened with age, delivering me regular gifts of phlegm and discounted pancakes on Tuesdays. WRONG. I did a double-take and whadday know, he was actually a small child of 20-some odd years. “A fuckboi,” in common parlance. Don’t make my MIZTAKE! <-especially great if this site were called Miz Takes, or Ms. Takes? Anyway, I’ve compiled a useful list to help you determine whether your Male Person can HANDLE YOU. (As Qween Nicki Minaj raps, “I’m just lookin’ for a man; fuck a B-O-Y.”) And GO:
MEN say I love you.
BOYS say I want you.
MEN wear button-down shirts.
BOYS wear graphic tees.
MEN have a mortgage and pay child support.
BOYS receive child support from other men who are hopefully their fathers but if not, you know, no judgment.
MEN accidentally crunch entire almonds underfoot.
BOYS get washed away at sea.
MEN can open a jar of pickles using only their giant lobster-claws.
BOYS never call you back just because they’re trapped in the sewer with their leg pinned under a large piece of metal.
MEN pay for dinner even though they know you could by using your body and/or monetizing your teleportation abilities.
BOYS don’t pay for dinner because they don’t have enough POGs.
MEN hold the door open for you, then unhinge it with their bare hands, sell it on the used door market, and use the money to buy you a beach cottage.
BOYS don’t know what bees are.
MEN ask for directions, then ignore them and drive you to the hot dog stand.
BOYS try to impress you by burping “I Dreamed a Dream.”
MEN clean their car and house with twice-filtered tears of Toni Braxton.
BOYS only want to hang out when they’re drunk and have a new frisbee.
MEN trace your lips with their finger, then bite off their finger because they mistook it for a pretzel.
BOYS think UTI stands for “Undercover Toilet Inspector.”
MEN want to understand you so much they’ll sleep with all your friends.
BOYS think love means never having to say “My Speedo is full of toothpaste.”
MEN invite you over to watch their favorite rom-com, Se7en.
BOYS only compliment you if your plastic surgery makes you look like their mom.
Well, with this handy guide, I know you’ll be separating the men from the boys in no time! GOOD LUCK!